I hope we can all agree that it is totally ok for any given person to choose not to become a parent if that’s what they really want. Many people may harbor suspicions that such a person will grow to regret their decision, but that’s not anybody else’s judgment to make. Some people genuinely do not want kids. And let’s also be honest here, there are some people who, for the sake of the kids, should never become parents!
But in the context of a couple struggling to overcome infertility - I hate saying this, but generally speaking – men are far more likely than women to throw a spanner in the works by not facing up to the issues.
To an observer it often SEEMS as if men are more likely to be the ones shirking responsibility, but I believe there are factors involved that can explain a lot of this, and it’s worth unpacking these, because in my experience it’s usually not about shirking responsibility, rather it’s about miscommunication and misunderstanding.
Let’s put a stake in the ground first though - It’s not ok for one party to shirk responsibility for baby making when the other party can get hurt by it, and likewise it is not ok for one party to pressure the other into having a baby when that other party is not ready or does not want it. But we must overlay this latter situation with the understanding that marriage and long-term relationships are de-facto expressions of intent to raise a family unless otherwise agreed. In other words, if you wait till you get hitched before announcing you don’t want kids – that’s too damn late and horrendously disrespectful to your partner.
So – if you are married and struggling to have kids, and the issue (or part of the issue) is YOU – then please don’t drag it out in the hope that it will all just go away. Either face up to fixing the problem or face up to the fact that you don’t want to. It’s better to be honest either way.
If you are not ready for kids – you have to say it out straight. Maybe to yourself first, but mainly to your partner because their hopes and dreams may rest with you.
Communication is the key to this. Take a short amount of time and sit with the question – ask yourself if you are ready to go and have kids or not. It’s totally normal for guys to feel ‘not ready’ when their woman is all set to go, it doesn’t mean they don’t want kids, it just means they haven’t thought it out fully yet.
It’s often related to finances and a feeling of not being in a strong position. But think about this for a moment: You have spent your life getting to where you are, do you really think another few months will make the difference? Also realise that women can’t wait around indefinitely – they are compelled to pursue their dream, the urge inside them is primal and can’t be reasoned with.
Don’t kick the can down the road – talk to yourself – see what you really want, then talk straight to your partner, if it results in an argument – good – that’s progress.
Avoid the issue if you want – but a far greater force will come home to roost if you do – it is inevitable.