It’s so frustrating to watch a woman do a whole lot of hard work to prepare her body to have a baby, only to see the guy not step up to the plate and try to solve his own problems, or at the very least do what he can to improve his own health in advance of conception.
I accept that men generally don't really understand how important the health of their sperm is not only for conception to happen, but to the long-term health of their kids. They are hardly told about it by doctors, who are not told about it in medical school.
To use just one example of published science, it is known that a fathers age at the time of his child's conception has an influence on longer term outcomes like autism and schizophrenia in the child. To understand this, you have to appreciate that the age is simply a marker for sperm health, or sperm damage, and that ANY sperm damage or ageing that occurs will likely produce similar effects.
Some men's lack of willingness to play their part in promoting optimal fertility used to bother me no end until I came to understand better why it happens. This really allowed me to help my male clients much better.
This is what I see as being the issue:
It's a biological fact that men are not as tuned into fertility as much as women are.
One of the most common reasons men give for not being able to complete the work on my fertility program is that they are too busy with their work.
This makes total sense, but it makes better sense to call it as it is and to acknowledge the truth, which is - “Right now I prioritise my work over having a family”.
Every guy has a total right to do this, no question, no judgment. If that’s the truth that’s the truth.
With rights come responsibilities though, exercising ones right to not pursue a family just yet may mean reneging on a previous promise, even if that promise was unspoken. Being in a committed relationship with a women IMPLIES the intent to have kids, unless otherwise agreed.
Also, one may have to read between the lines sometimes. For a guy - not being ready may mean that something has changed in the relationship, but they haven't said it. If this is the case then so be it, but it needs to come to the surface. It can’t just be that the guy frustrates all efforts to have a baby by not taking positive action hoping the issue will just go away or the clock will run down.
Men know intellectually that a woman can’t wait forever, but they don’t seem to know this intuitively. I didn’t, I thought we could wait until things were more aligned, till we were better prepared, till we had more money or till our minds were in the right place to think about kids. Lucky for me my wife was having none of that.
Serious straight communication is needed here. Couples need to say out straight what their intentions are, what their dreams are, what their fears are. The first two are easy for guys, but the last one is hard. The irony of it is that for most guys (or at least the ones who live with decent women) the very act of sharing your fears will promote a bond of trust and deepen your friendship, it can lift the tide of any relationship and even in itself can free you from false assumptions. Just doing this alone can sometimes resolve infertility issues.
Beating infertility is a team sport. Your job as a man is to have your woman’s back, to make her feel safe and secure - part of this involves being open and honest about your intentions, first to yourself, then to herself.
Dragging your heels is not an expression of male energy, it's an expression of confused energy. Being clear and decisive and straight up is an expression of male energy because it requires having the guts to deal with things properly, and even with the fallout.
If you don't want kids just yet – fine - but at least come out straight and say it.