You are faced with a serious problem that you must solve.
It doesn’t matter what it is, it could be ‘Infertility’, it could be lack of money or it could be a job or even a relationship breakup.
The first principle that will help to get the result you want is to accept 100% responsibility for solving the problem. It constantly amazes me how difficult this is for people, including myself.
Lots of people can help you as you work to solve the problem, but no-one can take over the responsibility, it’s yours and yours alone, you have to be the person driving it.
The second thing to understand is that ‘beliefs’ will be the ultimate decider of whether you succeed or fail. Beliefs can be divided into two categories – 1. Beliefs about the problem, & 2. Other beliefs in general.
If you don’t believe the problem can be solved then you wont have the juice to search for solutions, and worst of all you won’t even entertain the notion of trying to solve it in the first place, plus you will actively ignore or dismiss any advice that could have really helped you.
So even if you can’t be sure it is accurate yet, it’s best to at least adopt the belief that the problem can be solved. This greatly increases your chances of success.
Secondly, once you do decide to set about solving the problem other general beliefs about life or about yourself or your abilities will almost certainly rise up to block your path.
This is because the reason you have the problem in the first place is due to the existence of a neglected aspect of your life, and you neglected it either because you hadn’t the stomach to face it thus far, or because other stuff you focussed on in your life was deemed more important at the time…but the tables are turned now and the problem has become the most important thing in your life. Either way it is difficult to confront the areas of our lives that we have neglected, thus when we try – our mind intervenes and tries to get us to give up.
There is a real practical yin and yang to this…you can’t be good at everything, and the better you are at one thing, or the more time you put into it the more you are forced to neglect some other aspect of your life. It’s just a reality of life we have to get along with. Careers tend to flourish at the expense of relationships, or at the expense of health, and musical talent might triumph at the cost of ones’ sporting achievements.
An examination of our beliefs about the problem we want solved would appear to be a necessary prerequisite to the journey.
Beliefs are such strange things – they have almost complete control over our lives and whether they are right or wrong we cling to them with a ferocious defence - despite the fact that we know many of our beliefs are wrong. Most of our successes can be traced back to ‘right’ beliefs and most of our problems can be traced back to ‘wrong’ beliefs.
We must be willing to accept that we could easily be holding ‘wrong’ beliefs that are impeding our progress – right?
How do we know they are wrong? Sometimes we can take the time to do a good fact check, but most of our important beliefs are abstract and form in our minds due to a collection of bits and bobs we picked up along the way, some even before we could speak and thus we don’t necessarily even know what they are. We can generally ‘feel’ it in our guts when something confronts our beliefs though.
One really good way to know how accurate our beliefs are is to ask ourselves if we are not where we want to be - or not where we think we should be in life. Have we been unable to achieve something we really desire (this could include pregnancy). If the answer is yes, then we can deduce that our perception of reality is a bit skewed, and this in turn is probably because we hold a belief about that thing which is wrong.
In other words, if we believe in something important but it is false, then we are believing in a false reality so inevitably our ship is going to sink, because reality always wins. The truths we ignore and the problems we don’t acknowledge always come home to roost.
Beliefs create our opinions, these opinions influence our decisions, and our decisions are what got us to wherever we now are. If we are in the wrong place it is more than likely because we have a wrong belief, or several. This is one of the most useful truths to embrace, but it can be a difficult one to swallow.
It’s even more difficult if we blame others for our situation, because this will get in the way of us assuming full responsibility for solving it.
It could easily be true that the problem is not your fault. Indeed, it is highly unlikely that any problem you have is entirely your fault, and therefore someone else is at least partly to blame.
I’m thinking parents here mostly! Health problems like infertility mostly have their roots in epigenetics, and sometimes even in some parenting style itself! So, no matter what way you cut it it’s not totally your fault, but it is totally your responsibility to solve it.
What you do to solve the problem, and even the very act of deciding to solve the problem in the first place, ABSOLUTELY depends on what you believe, so it’s really critical to spend some time exploring what your beliefs are around it.
The difficulty in confronting our beliefs is not having to come to terms with new facts, it’s about having to come to terms with the feeling that we have been wrong about something all this time.
An easy way to do this is to tell yourself that your belief was once true and it has served you in some way until now, but your priorities have changed and it no longer serves you so it is time to let it go – or time to upgrade it with a better truth. This doesn’t seem so bad…and indeed is how we grow as people. It feels good to do this.
I used to believe I could eat and drink whatever I wanted, and I’d be fine. It took a lot of work to overhaul that belief.
I used to believe that my first impressions of a person were accurate. It wasn’t until I became a therapist and really got to know my clients well that I realised I even had this belief and how wrong it was.
We choose what to believe – choose wisely!