Natural Fertility Consultant

Timed Sexual Intercourse

TSI - Seems all wrong doesn’t it!

The very notion of timing sex in advance can seem like a turn off, and indeed it is for a lot of couples, but especially for men.  So much for the anytime – anyplace macho argument!

When TTC’ing it is usually the woman who does the planning, who knows when the time is right and thus who usually initiates, and not to get too crude about it but the woman can just ‘go through the motions’ regardless of her mood and still have a successful encounter, whereas a guy has to – perform!

The only time you ever hear of guys not being able to perform is when it is to do with procreation.

You might only hear about these times, but this of course is a myth!  Yet another myth in the world of infertility.

Guys are regularly turned off sex, procreative or otherwise, they just don’t always talk about it.  I mean picture a guy walking into work and saying “Jeeze, she wanted to bonk again this morning, but I couldn’t do it, wasn’t in the mood”.  Imagine the lack of any meaningful support from ANYONE, let alone from other guys!

Pardon the reverse pun, but this situation is hard for guys.  There are often real psychological issues at play which are wired to primal senses, and most of the time there is no proper ‘platform’ on which to express these issues.

Where is a guy to go with this issue?  Friends…family…counselling? That seems a bit heavy.

My take on this (speaking to guys and girls) is that there usually exists some unexpressed assumptions here that need to be talked out, but in a totally open and non-judgemental way.

Sure, it could just be a case of – “damn girl 7 times in 2 days…c’mon I’m not 007”!

But it’s most likely to do with – wait for it – imagery, or more accurately lack of imagery.

The running joke on us men that we are simple creatures who can even be turned on by a cartoon is not inaccurate.  Most men’s initial arousal stimulus is visual, but the element that sustains the interest and the interaction is a mix of the visual and mental.

The mental part is to do with a deeper interpersonal connection, and ultimately this is the key to it.

Proof of this is the fact that porn initially works by visual signalling alone, but the soon to follow hollowness of it is due to the complete lack of any mental emotional connection.

The upshot of all this is that it is often difficult to arrange successful sex in the fleetingly short fertile window, and each 'missed' month is a big deal because the clock is ticking.

But guys - the ticking clock does not exactly make your woman feel attractive; you have to help her out with genuine reassurance and affection in all the other moments.  It could be one of the unexamined assumptions that need to be talked about.  I suggest you seriously consider mood lighting.  The oldest profession in the world knew something about mood making when they employed red lights!

And Girls – expecting performance on demand might be practical and even necessary, but it will break the deeper mental connection more often than not.  You can help get past the difficult moment by either engaging the visual imagery or setting the mood to create the sense of belonging and mental connection.  No matter what the guy suggests or laughs off or how he acts…he wants it!

About Brendan

Natural Fertility Consultant

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